(no subject)

[dargent]

Argent training didn't just cover hunting. The Argent family was expected to be able to handle any crisis that came up. As a side effect, Chris was generally terrible at dealing with emotions in anything resembling a healthy way.

Since Isaac had miscarried, he'd cried, in private where no one could hear or see. He'd been there for Isaac, calm and in control every time his lover was upset. Tonight was no different. Isaac had called, said he needed to come over to talk; so he brought the young man into the lounge, shelving his own emotions. "What do you want to talk about?"

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[firsttofreedom]

To say Isaac was struggling would be an understatement. He had difficulty looking at Chris and then hated being away from him. Derek hadn't tried to talk to him about it after the second day and Scott, Stiles and Allison had figured out that it was better to pretend it hadn't happened than it was to try and talk to the Beta about it. He knew the girl was upset; after all, even if she didn't overly approve of their relationship, the loss had been of her sister and therefore affected her too.

He'd been over at Scott's when he'd called Chris and Scott had dropped him over there, departing with a sad look. Isaac hated it.

Once he was comfortable, seated as far from the lounge as he could be, Isaac sighed. "You."

[dargent]

"I don't follow," Chris said, though he thought he did, and it made his heart twist. He'd expected this a long time ago--Isaac was sixteen, words like 'love' and 'forever' didn't mean the same to him that they did to Chris. The baby had been a promise, in a way, that Isaac wouldn't leave; but the baby was gone and Isaac was taking the out.

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac could feel the tears before the words had even come to his mouth and he has to swallow twice before he can speak. "We... we lost our baby two weeks ago. And you... you're just... stoic and calm. And I can barely get out of bed in the morning and I hurt... all the time. I feel like I can't breathe." He looks over at him, blue eyes shining. "Do you even feel it?"

[dargent]

That... was not what he'd expected Isaac to say. "Yes," he says, frowning. "Of course I do."

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac frowns, head ducking back down. "Doesn't feel like it. You don't even... You just sit there..."

[dargent]

"I don't--" Chris sighs, runs a hand over his hair. "What do you want me to do, Isaac? You're upset. You need me. So I help you. How would it help for both of us to be upset?"

[firsttofreedom]

"Because then I'd know that you are!" He doesn't mean to shout, but his emotions are all over the place and Isaac can't stop the sudden burst of anger. "It doesn't feel like you give a shit at all!"

[dargent]

And just like that, Chris shuts down. All his emotion is locked away before he even realizes he's doing it. "Would my yelling help right now?" he asks evenly. "Would that make you feel like I care? Because I do, Isaac."

[firsttofreedom]

"Don't do that! Stop shutting down!" Isaac stands, waving his hands in the air. "Do something! Just... do something! Please!"

[dargent]

Instincts and habits that are so old he doesn't know where they came from are at war with each other. Chris shakes his head and looks down. "I don't know how." He barely whispers it, ashamed on a deep level to admit that he can't give Isaac what he needs from him.

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac drops back into the chair, head cradled in his hands and shoulders shaking as he cries. He felt like he was suffocating and the ache in his chest got worse as it became clear that Chris had no clue how to handle his own emotions.

[dargent]

Chris knelt beside Isaac. "Isaac, please, look at me." He brushed a hand over Isaac's knee. "Let me help you."

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac pulls away, tucking up against himself and the chair. "Don't. Please... just don't." He shakes his head and whimpers, eyes closed. "There isn't anything you can do to help."

[dargent]

"Isaac," Chris says softly. It hurts. This hurts worse than losing their baby--miscarriages happen, and this one might have been bad, but failing Isaac hurts so much worse.

And he's starting to shut this hurt away too, habit overruling logic once again.

[firsttofreedom]

"Our baby is dead and you can't do anything but sit there!" He glares. He can smell the pain on his lover and it makes him hurt even more. But it doesn't help, not when there's no outward sign that this is effecting him and Isaac's head ducks again.

[dargent]

Chris's eyes sting, the first time he's even come close to crying in front of someone since he was a child. "I can't--not when you're hurting." He's not really sure what goes in between there, to be honest. He puts a hand on Isaac's knee and realizes the rest of him is trembling. "Isaac, please."

[firsttofreedom]

"Don't touch me!" He pulls away again, once again angry. "It hurts me more that you can go around like it doesn't bother you!"

[dargent]

"What am I supposed to do?" Chris asks. He's not angry--desperate would be a better word for the tone in his voice now. "I'm a hunter. I was raised to handle crises. Am I upset? Yes. I'm more upset than anyone's seen, and that's been deliberate on my part. But I can't let that bother me because I'm not allowed. I'm not in a position to let things get to me."

[firsttofreedom]

"What would you do if it were Allison? Pretend all his well because you're not allowed to feel it?! Why is this different? Because our baby didn't get to grow up before she was taken away from us?!"

[dargent]

"Yes," he snaps. "That's exactly what I'd do. I would go about my life and I would keep my grief private. Because that is how I deal with things."

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac lets out a hysterical laugh, tainted with pain. "So private that you can't even let me know how you feel?"

[dargent]

"I don't..." Chris raises a hand to his head. "Not when you need me. Not when you're upset." That desperation is back in his voice.

[firsttofreedom]

"What I need? What I need from you is to show that this matters to you! I need to know that I'm not the only that hurts! That I'm not the only one who misses her!"

[dargent]

"It does matter to me. Isaac, please." Chris reaches out, not touching Isaac this time. His hand is shaking. "I'm sorry," he whispers, and his voice cracks. He takes a shuddering breath to hold back tears. "It matters to me. She mattered to me."

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac falls forward, resting his head against Chris' shoulder and bringing his arms up around him and squeezing tight. "It's cause we didn't want her. She was taken away because I didn't want her."

[dargent]

"No. No, Isaac. This isn't your fault. This is in no way your fault." Chris swallows back tears, automatically shifting his focus to Isaac's pain.

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac notices, despite his own grief, the way Chris shuts back down. "Chris..." He pulls back to cup Chris' face. "Please... stop shutting down."

The tears fall then. "It is. It's my fault 'cause I didn't want her."

[dargent]

Chris doesn't really have words. Isaac is asking him to undo a lifetime of conditioning, a lifetime more than twice what Isaac's lived, in the space of one evening. He shakes his head and addresses the other point instead. "Isaac, this wasn't about what we wanted. This isn't your fault. If you want to blame someone, you should be blaming me."

[firsttofreedom]

The way Chris continues to shut down brings Isaac to tears once again and he shakes his head. "Honesty just doesn't work for you, does it?

"No. No if I'd wanted her, if I'd been strong enough... I should have been strong enough." He clings to Chris tightly, pulling him closer again and tucks his nose against his neck.

[dargent]

"I'm trying, Isaac." It's true, he is. But these habits are so deeply ingrained that he doesn't realize he's acting on them until it's too late.

"This isn't your fault." Chris holds the youth tighter and closes his eyes. "Isaac, please believe me, this is not at all your fault." He can almost pretend, like this, that it doesn't count, that he isn't failing and being weak as he gives up holding back and starts to cry.

[firsttofreedom]

Once it reaches his senses that Chris has finally let go, Isaac's body goes slack in his lover's hold and he trembles as his sobs turn silent and choking. "It is... it is..."

[dargent]

"No." Chris shakes his head, not opening his eyes. "Isaac--please listen to me. This isn't your fault. This is no one's fault." He holds Isaac close, presses a kiss to his temple.

[firsttofreedom]

He curls up in Chris' lap and takes a deep breath. "I just want my baby back. Chris... It hurts so much."

[dargent]

"I know. I know, Isaac, and I'm sorry." He's not crying anymore, but his voice is still raw; he hasn't started locking everything away again yet. "I wanted us to have that, to have her. I still want that for us. I wish--" His voice breaks and he has to try again. "I feel like I should have seen this coming."

[firsttofreedom]

"I just don't understand. I didn't know how much I loved her until she was taken away and I just... I want her back." He couldn't help the way the moments immediately following replayed in his head; the way Deaton had looked so crushed as he'd wrapped the tiny infant and handed her over to him. She hadn't moved, eyes closed and chest still and Isaac had lost it when Deaton told him that they'd have to make arrangements for her.

"How could you have known?"

[dargent]

"Because this doesn't happen to humans," Chris says. There's a glass-thin layer of calm over the words, just enough that he doesn't break down as he admits this. "This had to be because you're a werewolf, and it's still so rare not even Deaton knew what to expect. And I'm not a werewolf, and your body still isn't made for pregnancy. There were bound to be complications. I just..." He shakes his head. He can't say any more.

[firsttofreedom]

In different circumstances, Isaac would be able to identify that Chris' meaning was exactly what he said. But as it is, with a mind riddled with guilt and pain, Isaac can't help but once again blame himself. "But it did happen so I should have been able to do it. To keep her."

[dargent]

Chris shakes his head. "No, Isaac, that's not how it works. This was a long shot. It's not your fault that it didn't work out." He shakes him slightly. "None of this is your fault."

[firsttofreedom]

"If I'd been more careful. If I'd been stronger." Deaton had said that he was lucky to make it as far as he had, that he'd been surprised it hadn't happened earlier, but it had brought the teen no comfort. "I should have been strong enough."

[dargent]

"Listen to me." Chris pulled back to look Isaac in the eye. "This was not about how strong you are. There was nothing you could have done to be stronger than you were."

[firsttofreedom]

Shaking his head, he whimpers. "I could have... I could have... Been. Stronger." He can't hold Chris' gaze, ashamed that he hadn't been able to do this one thing right.

[dargent]

"Isaac," Chris whispers. "Please, listen to me. You were amazing about all of this. You couldn't have done anything better. This isn't your fault." And then, because he gets the feeling Isaac isn't going to listen to him, he kisses him, properly, gently.

[firsttofreedom]

Isaac knows he looks disgusting; face red and blotchy, wet with tears and snot. But he can't care when Chris kisses him like that. It doesn't make him blame himself any less, but it's reassuring that they'll get through it, together. "I thought you'd hate me. 'Cause I couldn't give you..." a baby goes unsaid.

[dargent]

"Isaac, it was a miracle that we even got the chance we did," Chris says, stroking a hand through Isaac's hair. "I don't regret trying, and I don't blame you." He's not shutting down, exactly. Just... prioritizing. The emotion he's still showing is affection, though his eyes are still shining.

[firsttofreedom]

His voice is barely a whisper when he speaks, holding his gaze. "I was scared you'd leave me. And you've been so distant and I just... I can't lose you too."

[dargent]

"You won't lose me," he says, and kisses Isaac's temple. "I'm here until you want me gone." And then he'll leave. It'll kill him to do it, but he will.

[firsttofreedom]

"Never." He curled up closer to Chris' chest, tucking his nose against the older man's neck.

[dargent]

"Good," Chris whispers, though he doesn't really believe it and what he's thinking is more along the lines of never is a long time.

[firsttofreedom]

"You don't believe me." He brushes his nose along Chris' neck. "I mean it. I'm in deeper than you think."